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Dear Josette is our new advice column
Readers' questions are sometimes serious, sometimes funny, sometimes more bizarre than you thought possible. Josette doesn't pull any punches, and answers readers with thoughtful advice, from the heart and utilizing information from the experts on whatever subject she's writing about. All letters sent to "Dear Josette" will be read, and she will publish as many letters and answers as possible in this column. She would like to remind readers that this column is for entertainment purposes only, and that all health issues should be addressed by a competent and qualified health professional.
Balancing Children and Lovers
(new) "Dear Josette" is for entertainment purposes only. Do you like erotica romance? Join Josette's newsletter to be the first to know about new releases, contests and more. To join, send a blank email to: josettedplaisir-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Biography | Current Releases | Upcoming Releases
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Balancing Children and Lovers Dear Josette: I am a single mother with two children (8 and 12). I haven't really had time for relationships over the past few years except for the occasional date here and there. Nothing special and nothing that amounted to what I'd consider more than a date. I have recently begun dating a man who has a child of his own, and even though I really like Tim and think there might be something serious for us in the future, I'm just not sure how to handle mixing my family with my boyfriend or his family with mine at this stage. Advice? Hope, AL Dear Hope: As a single mother myself, I faced this very situation, as did several of my friends who were also single moms. Did you know that people who experience substantial emotional loss during their childhoods have a more difficult time finding and maintaining healthy, stable relationships as adults? Often this is because their feeling of abandonment (whether real or imagined) makes them feel unworthy of being loved, or their fear of being abandoned again makes it impossible for them to love fully. Now that I've imparted that bit of knowledge, I will give you two real life examples of real situations and their outcomes. My friend, Gina, had two young daughters. Her husband of several years was an alcoholic, and eventually, his addiction destroyed the marriage. She soon learned he had more than the alcohol addiction--he was a coke head. After they separated, his addictions became much worse, and he quit visiting his daughters altogether. Over the course of about six years, Gina dated several men, like all of us, looking for someone to build a future with. In her mind, letting her daughters be part of her relationship was a good thing--after all, they had no relationship with their father, and they needed that male influence. Also, in her mind, the boyfriend and her daughters interacting would give her an idea of what life as a family might be like with that man. Well, Gina didn't marry any of those men, so not only did her daughters lose their father, but they've experienced the loss of about four "substitute fathers" over the years. Now, you know how you feel when a relationship you thought was on its way to permanency ends. You know how bad it hurts and how long you feel that pain. Imagine children who really, really want a father in their lives... like Gina's daughters do. Mom brings a prospective dad home, they talk with him, joke around with him, go places with him, eat dinner with him. Man! They feel like they've got a dad again--or maybe for the first time ever! For weeks, or even months, they feel just like the other kids--they've got a father. Then Gina and her boyfriend--their new dad--split up. And guess what? The girls and their "new dad" split up, too. In the case of Gina's daughters, their father abandoned them and then four "almost fathers" abandoned them. Gina broke up with her boyfriends--her daughters were "left" by the men they thought were going to be their fathers. And no, Gina didn't tell them they were getting new fathers. The girls wanted it so badly that they believed it was going to happen--each and every time. Don't make the mistake of thinking that if your kids and Mr. Potential Dad get really close that he'll feel compelled to continue his relationship with them even if things don't work out between you. That's not reality, and frankly, it's not fair to expect of him (and you don't really think his next girlfriend is going to be approving of your ex-boyfriend playing "Daddy" to your kids, do you? Geeze, there are some women who don't approve of their new boyfriends spending time with his own kids from a previous marriage, let alone children he has no legal or physical tie to who belong to an ex-girlfriend she'll surely see as some sort of threat if he's spending time with your children). Then there's my friend Jane. She went quite a few years between her first marriage and her second. Her kids never met anyone she just started going out with. They didn't need to. She was the adult, didn't need their approval, and felt that the beginning of a relationship was about the adults, not the kids. If she was going out with someone for some length of time, yes, her children got to meet him--and knew him only as "So-and-so, Mom's date", or "So-and-so, Mom's friend". There was no relationship between her boyfriends and her kids beyond an acquaintance, and at the most, a minor friendship that they would have shared with any of her female friends. Guess what? Unlike Gina's children, Jane's children never felt any separation or loss when Jane broke up with a boyfriend. NEVER. She might have been a little squirrelly in the weeks following the break up. But the children's lives went on and they were emotionally unscathed. She did not bring boyfriends home to hang out, she did not let them sleep over, and she did not sleep over their house. And she did not set up housekeeping with any "boyfriend" who, because of the nature of their relationship (non-permanent), could have, at any time, packed his bags and left. She literally gave her children no reason to believe the boyfriend was anything more than another adult that their mother spent time with or talked to on the phone. It wasn't until she and her second husband became very serious in their dating relationship (after somewhere in the neighborhood of five or six months), that about once a month they did something as a couple with the children (amusement parks, movies, whatever). And it wasn't until they were talking about marriage that Mike began spending time at the house with the family, but still the children were not included in all of Jane and Mike's time together. Gradually, he got to know the children and they got to know him, so that when they did all move in together, it wasn't as big of an adjustment. But it wasn't until she tied the knot that he and the kids began interacting as parent and children. Why? Because until then, they were not parent and children. He was "my mom's boyfriend", and they were "my girlfriend's children". It all worked very well for them, and for Jane. She got to know her husband first and completely, and then, once she was certain this was the man she wanted to make a permanent part of her life, she allowed their relationship with each other to develop. Back to you... So you have a new relationship and you're wondering how the kids--yours and his--fit into it? The answer is simple: THEY DON'T. Enjoy getting to know the new man in your life mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Take as much time as you need. In the event you do decide to make it permanent, there's plenty of time between the day you decide to get married and your wedding day for your children and your future husband to get to really know one another. In other words, you still have the opportunity to see if he's not only husband material, but father material. By waiting until you really get to know a man before introducing him into your children's lives, if he ends up not being the sort of man you'd want to marry, or simply not the man you want helping you raise your children, you have time enough to figure that out, thereby saving your children the inevitable grief, confusion, loss, or anger (or all of these) if your romantic relationship doesn't work out. Also, don't make the mistake of being one of those mothers who think your children need to hang out with your boyfriends to see if your kids "like him". You are the adult. You are mature enough to judge whether the man you're dating is the right man to be your husband as well as a father or step-father to your children. You wouldn't even give your own parents--mature adults who still probably know better than you in most things--say-so over who you date or marry. Why would you consider for a moment giving that authority to a child? The bottom line is, your kids, his kids, or the combination of both of your kids, are just that--kids. Don't heap adult emotional responsibilities on them. And remember that they will all grow up and move out and start their own lives soon enough (and I assure you, if you try to tell them not to marry someone because you don't like them, they'll tell you to go fly a kit--or worse). In the meantime, if your children need male influence (as I believe all children do!), and their real father isn't in the picture (or isn't in the picture as much as they need him to be), first try to find a grandfather, uncle, or older cousin who is willing to spend quality time on a regular basis with them. If that's not a possibility for whatever reason, try Big Brothers of America. Even if neither family nor Big Brothers of America is a possibility, don't take the boyfriend path. It truly is better for your children to have no relationship with a substitute father figure than one they come to depend on only to experience the pain and heartbreak of losing that relationship after a few weeks or months. Of course, the same advice goes for his child and you. Keep it friendly but casual, and if you and your new boyfriend eventually decide to get married, then you and his child can begin developing a step-parent/step-child relationship Josette
Do you have a question for Josette about
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comment about her column? Send your
email to: Do you like erotica romance? Join Josette's newsletter to be the first to know about new releases, contests and more. To join, send a blank email to: josettedplaisir-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Biography | Current Releases | Upcoming Releases
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \ Do Extreme Sexual Fantasies Make Her "Twisted"? Dear Josette: HELP!! Seriously, I think I might need major help. Lately I've been having fantasies about being with two or more men at the same time and none of the men in these fantasies are my husband. I know I love him, but I can't understand why I'm thinking about other men, and lots of them, rather than my husband, or why I'd even fantasize about an orgy that consists of me and multiple men. For what it's worth, in my fantasies, none of the men are having sex with each other, they are all making love to me. Twisted in Denver Dear Twisted: My initial reaction--albeit a snarky one--is "So what's the problem?" Now we'll get to my second reaction: you, dear girl, are experiencing just what you have stated you're experiencing. A fantasy. You haven't said you want to go to one of those sex clubs in Paris or advertise in a swingers magazine for willing male participants to help you live out the fantasy. Question: Why is it you wrote and asked for help? Is it because your fantasy involves an orgy and you believe orgies are wrong? Is it because your fantasy involves men other than your husband? Is the fantasy causing trouble in your marriage? Does the fantasy somehow impact your ability to interact in your real life relationship? First, we'll look at what I call "negative and destructive sexual fantasies" and then we'll discuss positive and healthy sexual fantasies. NEGATIVE and DESTRUCTIVE SEXUAL FANTASY: If your fantasy(s) is defined in this part of my reply, then I'd definitely recommend you seek professional help with a qualified sex therapist (and you won't find that online or in my column--they are listed in your telephone directory). There is a line between fantasy and reality. That line is absolutely necessary. Keep your fantasies in perspective. You do not want to actively seek out numerous men with whom to have sexual experiences, either individually or all at once. There's the obvious risk of STDs. There's the damage you will do to your marital relationship. And, of course, there's the guilt factor--and let's face it, if you're feeling guilty about the fantasy, really participating in this sort of encounter will be one hundred fold worse for your conscience. Are there bad sexual fantasies? Of course! And when you experience a bad sexual fantasy that is persistent and that you cannot control, it's up to you to take responsibility. You need to seek the help of a sexual therapist who will help you get to the root and cause of the fantasy so you can change your pattern of fantasizing. Here are some examples of negative or bad fantasies: Anything that makes you feel bad for fantasizing about it is a destructive fantasy--nothing that causes you emotional distress for thinking about it can possibly be a good thing. I don't care if the reason is your moral or religious beliefs, remember, your beliefs are what make you the person you are. So if your fantasies go against what you believe is right--or what you know is right, whether or not you want to believe it--and if they cause you to feel bad about yourself, you need to stop having those particular fantasies, if for no other reason than your own emotional well-being. This isn't being judgmental of those who have similar fantasies and enjoy the fantasy, or those who actually live out those fantasies. It's just admitting it's not right for you (and that's okay!). If the fantasy makes you feel negative toward yourself or your husband physically, emotionally or sexually, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. If the fantasy drives an invisible wedge between you and your partner, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. If the fantasy in any way threatens your ability to start and/or maintain a real relationship, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. If the fantasy disrupts your ability to have a positive sexual relationship, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. If you would rather have the fantasy than a real, flesh and blood person, or if you prefer the fantasy to your husband, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. If your sexual fantasies begin to make you consider doing something in real life that is illegal, immoral or just plain wrong, it is a negative or destructive fantasy. And of course, there are fantasies that should be entirely off limits to everyone, no matter your race, religion, or sexual orientation. Examples of fantasies that should ALWAYS be off limits include fantasies about pedophilia, necrophilia, or any other sort of sexual-philia that would land you at the gates of hell were you to die while--or after--doing it, and of course, bestiality. If I need to tell you why these sort of fantasies are off limits--and dangerous to you and those around you--then you need to get away from your computer right now and seek professional help. Remember, negative and destructive sexual fantasies (or any sort of negative or destructive fantasies for that matter) are a problem that should be dealt with immediately by a qualified professional therapist. POSITIVE and HEALTHY SEXUAL FANTASY: Now we'll discuss the positive aspect of sexual fantasy: Fantasies are dreams we have while awake, not necessarily a "to do" list of experiences we want to have in real life. For the most part, sexual fantasy is not only normal, but healthy. It helps us become more creative in our lovemaking (even if we don't use the props or people in our fantasies) and more comfortable with ourselves sexually. All people have some sort of sexual fantasy--be it having sex in a public place where there's the risk of being caught, making love to a celebrity (Sean Connery would only have to speak to me in the dark and my fantasy would be realized), a chance encounter with a stranger, or seducing your lover in some exotic way are just some of the fantasies people have. Men have openly fantasized about having sex with multiple women for eons (but that doesn't mean they necessarily want to have a real sexual relationship with multiple women or that they would prefer it to loving one-on-one sex with their wife). So we can safely conclude that sexual fantasizing can be a positive thing, within the limits of our own belief systems. My gut instinct is that a fantasy about multiple men ravishing you is probably nothing to be concerned about. All these men in your fantasies--and I'm sure they are all gorgeous--are devoting all their passionate attention to you and what makes you feel good. It may well be just your mind's way of expressing a desire for more physical attention--from the man you love (your husband). Sexual fantasy of this kind is not a bad thing as long as you draw that necessary line between the fantasy and your reality. In other words, it's all right to think about a bevy of hunksters doing everything naughty and pleasurable that can possibly be done until you have a mind numbing orgasm, either brought on by having this fantasy alone or while making love to your husband. Just be careful not to make the mistake of comparing your husband to the fantasy. No man that I know could possibly compete with a duo, trio or quad of fantasy lovers whose only goal is to sexually please you. RESOLVING YOUR FANTASY AND MAKING IT WORK FOR YOU If you've read this far and have concluded that your fantasy falls under the definition of a positive and healthy sexual fantasy: Think about your sexual relationship with your husband. Are you sexually compatible? In other words, does he enjoy having sex as often as you do? When you do make love, does he take enough time arousing you (foreplay) before intercourse begins? Is he a generous lover--does he make the effort to make sure that your needs are satisfied? Is he willing to try new positions, locations and activities to keep your sexual relationship exciting? Think about your sexual fantasy. What are the men in your fantasies doing to you and for you that your husband isn't? Now that you've done these two exercises, it's time to seriously consider ways you can derive the pleasure you need from your husband. If the situation is that your husband and you are not sexually compatible, or that he has certain hang ups when it comes to what two married people can do in the privacy of their own bedroom, then a sexual therapist might be in order for both of you. If the two of you are basically compatible sexually, I would suggest learning to guide him in ways to satisfy you more--whispered or softly moaned acknowledgments when he's touched the right spot, gently placing his hand or mouth exactly where you want it to be and telling him it feels good. It may not hurt to ask him what his fantasies are, and while you're making love, ask him what he would like you to do for him. Lovemaking is, after all, all about receiving and giving by both of you. If he's not the most adventurous of men (ie stuck in the missionary position), gradually introduce a little spice. Suggest a new position to make love, a new location (the shower, the car, the jacuzzi--or maybe even something a bit more daring). Buy some flavored lotions, arousal cremes (for you and him), some sexy lingerie to turn him on, maybe even some toys (you can start with something simple and then move on to the more elaborate), and, of course, some erotica movies might come in handy (note that I did not say porn). What did you answer when I asked what your fantasy men do to you that your husband doesn't? These are the things you want to gently lead your husband to try, and in most cases, if it gets a strong, positive sexual reaction from you, he'll be only too glad to oblige. The important thing is that you both become comfortable in relaying to the other what you need and desire, sexually and emotionally. Josette
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Do Tongue Piercings Make Oral Sex Better? Dear Josette: My fiance and I have a great sex life. He especially loves oral sex, so I've been thinking about surprising him and getting my tongue pierced to make it even better. The only thing holding me back is that I don't know much about tongue piercings, and I was curious if there are any side effects that I should know about. June, Little Rock Dear June: My first question to you is this: What makes you think a little metal ball inserted into your tongue will make oral sex better? Women have been performing oral sex on their men--quite successfully, I might add--since time began. Good oral sex is all about technique, and no metal ball is going to make your technique any better--but it may hinder it! Helpful Tip: If you don't give good oral sex without a tongue ring, getting a tongue ring won't make you any better at it. There are many things to consider before getting your tongue pierced: 1. Tongue piercing damages teeth. Every time the tongue ring nicks your teeth--whether intentionally or accidentally--you are causing damage to the enamel on your teeth. It is not uncommon for tongue ring wearers to even chip--or fracture--their teeth. 2. Tongue piercing may damage your tongue. Tongue piercings are prone to infection and uncontrolled bleeding. You will definitely experience a change in sensation (this may mean loss of sensation) and you may experience difficulty moving your tongue (and we all know awesome oral sex depends on having a full range of tongue motion). Another problem with tongue piercings is nerve damage. 3. Tongue piercings may kill you. A dangerous side effect is the possibility of damaging the lingual artery, which can swell, block the airway and result in death. 4. Tongue rings are not toys. You've seen those people who play with their tongue rings (usually while you are talking to them, so that your attention is not on the conversation, but on what they are doing with that tongue ring). It's a compulsion almost everyone with a tongue ring cannot seem to control. Wouldn't you rather people focused on what you had to say, rather than staring in stunned disbelief--and often horror--at all the tricks you can perform by manipulating your tongue ring through your teeth? 5. Tongue rings can make you sound like you just got off the short bus. Too often, tongue rings cause long term speech impediments. Trust me... your man will not think it's sexy when you lisp and mispronounce those erotic phrases and endearments (in other words, there's a reason his erotic fantasies don't include Elmer Fudd, Sylvester or Tweety Bird!). 6. Tongue rings are not worn for adornment. Earrings, nipple rings, nose rings and belly rings, yes. But tongue rings are worn for precisely the purpose you are considering getting one. And everyone knows it--including your mother and father, your pastor, the kids in your child's class, and the freaks of society that you probably do not want attention from. When you wear a tongue ring, you are announcing "I give head". This may be a useful tool if you're a prostitute, but it's probably not going to make the impression you want in the boardroom or workplace, at family reunions, at Sunday morning worship, at the parent-teacher conference, or at your child's baseball game, or anywhere else that you may want to keep your private life private. So my advice, dear June... do not get your tongue pierced. Your fiance seems content with your performance, and if you want to enhance oral sex for your man, work on your technique. Any benefit he (or you) may gain by getting your tongue pierced is minimal. The risks to your health--and appearance--are substantial. Josette
Do you have a question for Josette about
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He Wants More Sex... Dear Josette: My wife and I have been married for over nine years. We have two super kids, both of us have good jobs, and our relationship seems as good as it's ever been, if not better in some ways. The only real problem we have is sex. Sex has always been important to both of us, and it's always been great. But over the last year or so, I've noticed she isn't as interested in sex as she used to be, while my need for sex hasn't changed. Help! Tom in Iowa Dear Tom: You haven't given me much information to go on, so I'm going to have to wing it here. If you're certain it's not a health problem--and the only way to be sure it isn't is for your wife to see her OBGYN--then I would say your wife's disinterest in sex is either an emotional problem or it could be she is simply too tired to feel sexy. Emotional issues that could have a negative impact on her sexual desire are many. Has she experienced a loss in the last year (either a death of a loved one or the end of an important friendship)? Are the children doing well (it's hard for a woman to think about sex when she's worried about her children)? Is there trouble in her workplace? Are the two of you getting along, and do you really talk? Men and women are different, in that men are often capable of separating emotions from sex, whereas for most women, they cannot push emotion out of the equation. So if she's experiencing any sort of emotional upheaval, it could have a definite impact on her sex life. Helping her work through any emotional crisis or other problems will go far in helping her regain her sexual desire. If you can rule out health and emotional issues, then it's likely your wife is simply overwhelmed. Over the last few decades, women have made great strides in the workplace, and many women have careers outside the home. But overall, they have continued to perform the traditional roles of wife and mother, which includes cleaning the house, helping kids with their homework, playing taxi when the children have extracurricular activities, fixing dinner, and so on. Even if you help her out around the house and with the kids, there's still a good chance her responsibilities have her overwhelmed. Everyone needs a break from the hustle and bustle of their everyday lives. Women are no exception. Chances are good that when you and your wife were dating, and even in the early days of your marriage, you went out of your way to show her how important she was to you. And even though you obviously feel that way now, it's not unusual for two people to get so caught up in life that they forget to show the person they love that they love them. Try this: Surprise your wife with a romantic weekend for just the two of you. You find someone to watch your children for an entire weekend. You know your wife, so come up with a destination for the two of you based on what she enjoys. In other words, if she's into quaint bed and breakfasts and loves New England, book a weekend at a lovely New England bed and breakfast. If she loves primitive camping in the mountains, take her to the the most beautiful spot in the mountains that you can find. If your wife loves shopping, bright lights and culture, book a room in a fancy hotel in the big city, where the two of you can spend the weekend shopping, eating at five star restaurants and also take in a play or concert. If you don't have a lot of extra money, you can even send her to a friend's for a few hours, while you take the kids to the sitter's, clean the house, and do the grocery shopping for the weekend (so YOU can prepare all the meals), so that when she returns from her friend's, your weekend together can begin. Once you've determined your destination, make a plan. Think of special things the two of you can do together, thoughtful things you can do for her and so on. Make the weekend all about her. Shower her with attention and affection, tell her how beautiful she is to you (often), pamper her--in other words, let her know you love her in every way possible. You don't like shopping, plays, old movies, romance novels or Toby Keith? It doesn't matter. If she likes it, you like it, too. You make her happy, and you'll be happy. It's that simple. Become a romantic to the extreme. Women love candlelight, chocolate, roses, baths, music, holding hands, tender kisses, jewelry, romantic cards, love notes, and poems written by you. Work as many of these things as possible into your weekend. Now that you've planned everything to the last detail, it's time for you and your wife to embark upon your romantic weekend together. Remember to be flexible--she may be so excited that she begins to suggest things you can do together. Don't let it hurt your feelings if it means one of the activities you've planned gets delayed or even cancelled. It doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate your effort--only that she has ideas for the two of you, too (and that's a good thing!) Also, remember that sex is secondary to making your wife feel loved and appreciated. Chances are good that you'll have sex during this weekend, but how much can vary-- it could be a little or a lot, or... none at all. The weekend isn't about sex. Remember, it's about her. Yes, by all means, let her know that she turns you on and that you want her (what woman doesn't like to hear that?), but don't push if she's not receptive. Depending on why she's not been sexually desirous, it may take time for her libido to kick in. Your goal for this weekend is to remind her that you love her and that she's important to you. If sex during this weekend happens only once or twice--or even not at all--don't let that discourage you. Eventually, you'll reap the proverbial fruit of your effort, and any wait you may have experienced will be well worth it. Once your weekend is over, don't let it end there. It's your job to make it a point to tell her every day that you love her, that she's beautiful, and make her feel special. The occasional mushy greeting card, single red rose, box of candy, or other inexpensive gift goes a long way (it lets her know you're thinking about her). And so does taking one evening each week to do something together--just the two of you--whether it's a drive in the country, going for a walk, having dinner out, or even just sitting together at home and watching some old romantic movie after the kids go to bed (and remember, sometimes it's good for you to take the lead and make the plans, and sometimes it's good to ask her what she wants to do). In summary--talk to your wife (I mean really talk to her). Find out what's going on in her life, what she's feeling, if there's anything you can do to make her life a little better or a little easier. Make sure she sees her OBGYN at least once a year (twice a year if her doctor recommends it), keep the lines of communication open so that she can talk about anything at all that's troubling her, and last, but certainly not least, let her know in every way possible that you love her and that she's the most important person in your life. And you, dear Tom, will get more sex. Good luck! Josette
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Slept with My Best Friend's Husband... Dear Josette: I've had the same best friend since I was in high school. Her husband and I have also been friends since high school, but never anything more. A few months ago at a party, we'd both had a little too much to drink, and our usual harmless flirting became serious, and the evening ended with us sleeping together. It's only happened once, and it will never happen again, but I can't get over the guilt I feel for having had sex with my best friend's husband. Do you think it would help me get over this guilt if I told her and got everything out in the open? Tina, Somewhere in the USA
Dear Tina: The fact that it only happened once does not absolve you of being guilty of one of the worst crimes one woman can commit against another. You deserve to feel guilty. No real friend would ever do that to someone they claim to care about. Some would say that telling your friend that you slept with her husband is the right thing to do. Honesty is the best policy and the truth will set you free and all that rot. Though I'm a firm believer in always telling the truth, I would say, in this case, purging your soul is not the best policy. In this case, spilling your guts isn't being honest (honest is when you are asked a question and you reply with the truth). In this case, she's not asking, and for you to force feed reality to your friend would be simply cruel. Yes, you may ease your conscience, but what will you do to her? Chances are good that you will still feel guilty, and the only thing you will have accomplished is that you will devastate her. How selfish is that? If you tell your friend that you had sex with her husband, I assure you, you will destroy your friendship, and you may destroy her marriage, as well. Now, if this cheating husband of hers has only had this one indiscretion (if he's not out sleeping with all her friends), and if this was truly just a momentary case of bad judgment, and if he's good to her in all other respects, there is no reason to put your friend through the hell of always picturing him with you or wondering who he might be sleeping with every time he's late coming home from work. You've done enough to her already. Leave her marriage alone. I would suggest a short, private conversation with her husband. Tell him that you don't want his wife hurt, and the two of you come to an agreement that neither of you will tell another living soul what happened between you (because if either of you do, eventually, his wife will hear about it--it's inevitable). And then you both take your secret to your graves. Then you need to totally avoid any situations where you and her husband might end up alone so there's never any chance of this happening again. As for your guilt, if you can't get beyond it, perhaps you should distance yourself from your friend until the guilt isn't so intrusive to your relationship with her. Warning: it may never come to that point, so you may have already lost your best friend because you may always have your affair coming between the two of you. The bottom line is this: It's your guilt. Your mistake. Don't make your friend pay the price for it. IF, in the future, your friend somehow learns that you slept with her husband and confronts you, buck up and take the consequences for your actions like a mature adult, and tell her the truth (do yourself and her a favor, and even if she asks, don't give her the gory details). Don't make any excuses for what you did (there are none), and don't expect her to forgive you (I wouldn't). If this ever happens, you need to accept how she chooses to handle the situation. Period. Josette
Do you have a question for Josette about
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Husband Wants to Try a Threesome... Dear Josette: Michael and I have been married eighteen years, and until recently, I thought our relationship was just fine. Then one night after we had sex, he asked me if I would ever consider having a threesome. I told him no and I thought it was the end of the conversation. But over the last couple months, he's brought it up several times, and he's let me know it's something he definitely wants to do. I love Michael and would do almost anything for him, but the thought of him having sex with another woman, or me having sex with a woman, is more than I can handle. But then again, if this is something he really wants and I don't go along with it, will I just be pushing him into an affair with a woman who will do this for him? Beth in Cincinnati Dear Beth: My theory is this: what two consenting adults do within the privacy of their bedroom is nobody else's business. In fact, I encourage every woman to be adventurous and creative when it comes to sex with their man. Most men fantasize about having sex with two women. And many women fantasize about having sex with two men. Many erotica/romantica stories involve threesomes (and more). Group sex is fine for fantasies and erotic fiction, but it's something else entirely in real life. My first response is this: A threesome is not something you want to engage in, and therefore, you should not engage in one. PERIOD. And I would ask this question: If you were to turn the tables on your husband and ask him to have a two-man-one-woman threesome, would he be as eager to partake? (and if he answered, "yes," would you be able to deal with him having sex with a man, even if you weren't concerned about the dangers of STDs?) Any time you add a third party to your relationship, it's trouble. And most couples who engage in group sex--especially those with one partner who is only doing it to please the other--end up separating or divorcing. Giving him permission to add a second woman to your sexual relationship is not going to keep him from being unfaithful to you. Number one, he's already doing it by being with a second woman, even if it's in your presence. Number two, taking part in group sex may only increase any inclination he has to be with another woman--after all, you've given him permission to have sex with one woman, so why not others (and why not on his own, without you there?). Very often in a threesome, two people end up... well, doing more with each other. That could mean the husband and the other woman are totally into each other, or the wife and the other woman are totally into each other. Can you say jealousy? Even it both partners think they want to experiment with group sex in the beginning, ultimately, someone will begin to feel left out, and will begin to wonder if the other two are seeing each other on the side. Does he like having sex more with her than with me? Is she prettier than me? Why does he need her when he has me? and the questions go on and on. Jealousy is one sure fire way to ruin a relationship. (NOTE: there are exceptions--those couples who both enjoy group sex and have no jealousy issues, but they are just that--exceptions, not the rule.) I would recommend to any couple considering a threesome or group sex to reconsider. Any excitement either partner may get from it won't outweigh the risks. In other words, if you want your marriage or relationship to last, keep outsiders outside. How would I suggest you handle the situation with your husband? Be honest. Tell him why you don't want to do a threesome. Tell him you love him, and that you'll do almost anything for him, except group sex. Suggest some toys to spice your sex life up a little, or be more adventurous when it comes to positions and situations. Role play. Be creative. But keep other people out of your bedroom! Understand that the problem isn't with you, it's with him. It's perfectly normal and healthy and totally okay for you to want to keep your marriage monogamous. If he loves you, he will accept and respect that you don't want to be involved in a threesome, and he won't take it any further. If he persists in asking you to be part of one, suggest marriage counseling. And if that doesn't work, for your own sanity, sexual and emotional well-being, you may need to consider more drastic measures, including ending your marriage so that you can find a man with the same moral and sexual attitudes as yourself. The best advice I can give you is to always be true to yourself. Josette
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EXCERPTS AVAILABLE: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Need Romance! Dear Josette: Bill and I have been married three years, and though our sex is great, it's not enough. The problem isn't that I don't know what I need, I need him to be a little more romantic. No, a lot more romantic, because he isn't romantic at all. To give you an example of Bill's idea of romance, one Saturday afternoon, he asked me if I wanted to get romantic, and I was excited because this is not something he normally asks. So then he leaves the apartment, and half an hour later, comes back with two porn videos and a six pack of beer. No, I'm not kidding. Though I appreciated that he made an effort, it just didn't work for me, and instead of being turned on, I was just disappointed. I need traditional romantic gestures, but I can't find a way to let him know this short of nagging. Lucy, Vermont Dear Lucy: Definitely do not nag Bill about being romantic. He's a man, and will therefore respond like a man to nagging--he'll ignore you. The best way to get him to be romantic is for you to be romantic. Teach by example. Make plans for a romantic evening for just the two of you. You know, wine (not too much), candlelight, a red rose in a vase, his favorite dinner, romantic music, and even a little gift for him, accompanied by a romantic card that tells him how much you love him. After your romantic dinner, watch a romantic movie or read your favorite love scenes from a sexy romance novel together (choose one that's got lots of romance and emotional, passionate love scenes, rather than the more hardcore, hot sex--you can save that until another time). And then after the two of you have spent a romantic evening together, make sure he has the hottest sex he's ever experienced in his life. When you're laying in his arms afterward, kiss him and tell him how romantic the night was and what a turn on it was for you. Do this a few times, and any man in his right mind will begin taking the lead, and it will only be a matter of time until it's him that's bringing you a rose and suggesting that candlelit dinner for two. Josette
Do you have a question for Josette about
love, romance or sex? Or do you have a
comment about her column? Send your
email to: Do you like erotica romance? Join Josette's newsletter to be the first to know about new releases, contests and more. To join, send a blank email to: josettedplaisir-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Biography | Current Releases | Upcoming Releases
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